Trying to be reasonable while being hard on myself

   I am my own harshest critic... in everything. Nothing anyone else says or does can touch me, but when I make mistakes I have a bad habit of internally chastising myself. I've spent years believing everything that happens to me is fair punishment for the lifestyle I escaped, but this weekend I had a terrifying thought. 

  You see, I haven't been taking my meds like I'm supposed to. It's just a prediabetic med, but I've not been diligent about it or about my health. That is exactly how my Poppa's diabetes got worse, and exactly how he wound up dying. He just didn't take care of himself and his body started failing. Maybe the lesson I'm learning here is from myself, or maybe it's from his failures. I think it might be both.

   I know I'm capable of great change, I quit addictive drugs cold turkey, I changed my life from being an addict to being someone who lives a good life, and I spend every day spiting my baser nature by attempting to be as good of a person as I can. Hell, in 2014 I lost 130lbs by counting calories and lifting heavy ass weights, I know I don't lack discipline or focus, but being here and comfortable has given me excuse after excuse: I'm no longer in survival mode so there are things I just haven't dealt with, I'm tired from a long work day, I don't want to do those things I'm still young. 

  Except I'm not. I'm almost middle aged and if I don't start now nothing will change. That said, I also know that progress and goals are incremental and I need to start with achievable things, so I set two goals I'm trying to reach this week.

1. Be in bed by 11PM every night, not necessarily asleep, but in bed winding down to sleep.
2. Walk 8000 steps a day. 

  They're simple enough, and I've managed it so far but it's only day one. As of writing this I'm about to go to bed and I crushed 10,000 steps due to work today. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to succeed, but if work doesn't have me running all over the property I'll have to walk after work. That's really when we'll see if I can tap into even the smallest discipline.

  I'm trying to start reasonable, after succeeding for a week I'll just do my level best to log what I eat into an app, not necessarily exact measurements yet, but just rebuild the habit of logging meals, I already have been working out a bit though the last few weeks I've been lax, so I'll work a routine back in there too. This is all doable, I just need to be reasonable and be kind to myself a bit. There are people who love me for what I am now, and I gotta accept that maybe I'm just worth that these days. Maybe what I say about myself when no one else can hear is just wrong. 

  I don't like being wrong, but I like the shit I'm talking on myself even less.